dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
