I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
no, he came in my armpit
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
