yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize