God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
This girl is more easily done than said...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
