drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
