the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
