I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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