There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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