i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
