I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Randomize
