We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize