PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
