If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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