Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
