my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
