cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
