textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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