dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
