Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
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