Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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