i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Randomize
