: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
