I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
