And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
