I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
