oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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