you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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