I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
