It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
