do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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