They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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