Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
