I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
