I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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