Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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