Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
