Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I supernannyed him into submission
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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