Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
