He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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