I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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