can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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