Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
