I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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