Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
