Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
