Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
