I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
