I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
