Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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