I'm laying in your front yard are you home
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
