you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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