I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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