What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Randomize
