i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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