Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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