I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Randomize
