she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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