Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
