I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize