4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
