Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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