dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
This baby is an asshole
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
