i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize