my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
