standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
