I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
