Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
