smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
