You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize