just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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